I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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