I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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