Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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