Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize