Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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