i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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