mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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