My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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