I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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