today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
