She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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