It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
