Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Send help, water and tortillas.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
