i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
