remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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