The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
