Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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