You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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