I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
