I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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