i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
