If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
