Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
