: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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