I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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