why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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