I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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