Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
