I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
