if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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