I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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