Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
