I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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