I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
