i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
