some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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