He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
