I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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