Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
