Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
