Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
