Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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