We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
