I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
