ADVERTISEMENT

• (805): View more from California

  I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.

  (1-805): View more from California

  You do realize that you broke up with him, right?

  Fav 5 809 2900

  share tweet
  

• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived

  Fav 16 5349 859

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (651): View more from Minnesota

  The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

  Fav 15 5564 1461

  share tweet
  

• (905): View more from Ontario

  while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"

  Fav 20 4549 1382

  share tweet
  

• (720): View more from Colorado

  Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

  Fav 20 8523 2437

  share tweet
  

• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

  Fav 11 4338 1222

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (651): View more from Minnesota

  I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.

  Fav 3 2117 949

  share tweet
  

• (208): View more from Idaho

  Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.

  Fav 1 1400 683

  share tweet
  

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.

  Fav 1 1076 509

  share tweet
  

• (402): View more from Nebraska

  Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"

  Fav 1 586 391

  share tweet
  

• (917): View more from New York City

  so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go

  Fav 1 83 15

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (971): View more from Oregon

  i believe in u and ur pee

  Fav 0 15 36

  share tweet
  

• (850): View more from Florida

  The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.

  Fav 0 68 8

  share tweet
  

• (914): View more from New York

  who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?

  Fav 0 48 6

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (310): View more from California

  Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday

  Fav 0 110 7

  share tweet
  

Randomize