I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize