I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
