theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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