He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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