He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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