I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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