She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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