I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
