That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
