just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize