Who did Billy Mays play for?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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