you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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