She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
