Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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