I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He better not be in your backpack
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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