i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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