Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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