Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
